Infinity
by Levade
Summary: POV - General Obi-Wan Kenobi and his thoughts on a life lived long with not a few regrets


Title: Infinity  
  
Author: Levade  
  
Character-warnings: O/QG - PG13 for ref to character death (Not slash)  
  
Notes: I'm really not a song fic fan, but this one bit hard. Lyrics by 4 Him.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
When the road gets the best of me  
  
My mind recalls a picture  
  
Of a place I call home  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Ghods, but he was tired.  
  
So many details to mesh together, so many lives hanging in the balance. General Obi-Wan Kenobi scrubbed the heels of his hands over his face, willing the weariness away.  
  
Tired to the very marrow of his bones.  
  
Tired of fighting. Of blood. The stench that seemed hang and permeate the very fiber of every tent, every bulkhead of the ships. His clothing and skin.  
  
The screams of the wounded and dying that would never be erased from his mind.  
  
Yes, he had his center, clinging to that still core of himself with a stubborn tenacity that refused to yield to the darkness that was everywhere and nowhere at once.  
  
It was a far cry from true peace.  
  
Worlds away from the serenity of the Temple.  
  
What had he sacrificed in accepting the position of Republic General?  
  
Time. With his companions, with his Padawan. To himself.  
  
The Code he had held to so zealously when a Padawan, questioned now.  
  
The Force was his true constant in life. The only thing Obi-Wan knew to be certain.  
  
Sitting back in the chair, he stared at the com screen, reading the words over and over, his mind refusing to accept what was so clearly stated there.  
  
No. It couldn't happen. Not to him.  
  
Not with the Chosen One.... Anakin, his friend. The tow-haired child who so captivated and frustrated him all at once.  
  
No....  
  
There would be a confrontation. A reckoning.  
  
Obi-Wan leaned his head back against the chair and closed his eyes. He let his mind drift, seeking a quieter time.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
You are there in my memory  
  
A scene that's so familiar  
  
That it chills me to the bone  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
A time when a deep voice filled his days, questioning him, challenging him to validate his statements.  
  
How many times had Qui-Gon frustrated him with his endless questions that seemed to have no right answer? Every time Obi-Wan thought he had it correct, his master twisted it and came from a different direction.  
  
Circular patterns of reasoning that had misled the young Padawan's mind at times.  
  
Never the same twice though. Qui-Gon had realized his apprentice picked up the patterns of his attack with a quicksilver analytical sharpness, counteracting them with precise logic.  
  
As he grew older, it became a game. Strategy and knowledge versus experience and greater knowledge. Honing a warrior into a diplomat.  
  
Obi-Wan had often resorted to wit and sarcasm to conjure a smile to his somber master's face. To see the older man's dark blue eyes loose the hard edge and soften, crinkling at the corners as he smiled.  
  
The crooked nose. Thin lips. Ears that stuck out a bit. Long brown hair streaked with silver.  
  
The closest thing a young man had ever had to a parent -- if he understood the role correctly.  
  
His heart understood where his wits and knowledge failed.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
But I'll stay out here where I belong  
  
For the call is telling me to carry on  
  
And while I'm away I can dream and suddenly  
  
You're there  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Sometimes Obi-Wan would awaken suddenly, alert to any noise or movement....  
  
But all was still.  
  
The blue glimmer he caught out of the corner of his eyes, he reasoned, was caused by awakening so fast.  
  
His heart told him differently.  
  
The one who had mentored him, had shared countless horrible meals of skies only knew what, had trudged across scores of planets through thigh-high mud, choking dust, rain that beat a man to the ground...  
  
Had assured him when the young man had marched into their quarters after a spectacularly failed date, adamantly announcing that he, Obi-Wan Kenobi, would have nothing to do with the opposite sex ever again, that the youth wouldn't always feel this way.  
  
Qui-Gon had been right.  
  
About so many things.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Love finds you, love brings you to me  
  
And once again we walk together  
  
Love finds you, love brings you to me  
  
And binds the hands of time forever  
  
We may be worlds apart but you are never too far  
  
From where I need you to be  
  
Love finds you, love brings you to me  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The Master had never done things by halves.  
  
If a thing was worth doing... Well, when Qui-Gon made a mistake, he had a knack for making it exceedingly unforgettable.  
  
"What in the Force induced you to go ahead and fight without me?" Obi-Wan didn't expect an answer.  
  
He'd asked that question countless times.  
  
Too often, really.  
  
He was a master himself. The query should have been released to the Force long before.  
  
Yet it remained.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
It was not what we planned to be  
  
We all would change the ending  
  
If the choice was ours to make  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Sometimes he let himself speculate. Imagine what must have been going through his master's mind at the time.  
  
Obi-Wan had been careless in a moment and caught off-guard by the Sith. Kicked off the catwalk like some useless initiate.  
  
Leaving his master to fight alone.  
  
Qui-Gon had gained the upper ground, knocking the Sith to a lower level.  
  
Obi-Wan wondered now if it was all part of a plan.  
  
A plan to separate them.  
  
Together, the two Jedi had composed a formidable fighting team. One reckoned the best in the Order.  
  
Even so the Sith had been a cunning opponent. It fought dirty, lightning- fast reflexes honed to a sharpness Obi-Wan had been hard-pressed to keep up with.  
  
In the end, none of that had mattered.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
For you left us so suddenly  
  
But it's only the beginning  
  
For eternity awaits  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
He still had dreams of those damnable red laser walls. Rarely, but at times of stress they would come, conjured by the spectre of the past.  
  
Obi-Wan could only watch. Watch as the Sith struck, killing his master.  
  
Watch in horror.  
  
Watch the red of the laser walls continue even after the walls cycled. Red overlaying his vision as he charged forward to bash his lightsabre in fury against the Sith.  
  
Anger had almost cost him his life. It had cost him his lightsabre.  
  
His opponent had become overconfident and that weakness was Obi-Wan's salvation.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
And I'll never forget you, my friend  
  
For the brotherhood between us has no end  
  
But while you're away I can dream and  
  
Suddenly you're there  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
And then he had been on his knees next to Qui-Gon, cradling the older man to him. Denying the inevitable.  
  
Ignoring the smell of cauterized flesh, the gaping wound.  
  
Looking into those blue eyes that were now dark with something else. Something the Padawan had never seen in them.  
  
Feeling the callused fingers touch his face one last time.  
  
A benediction.  
  
Making a promise Qui-Gon, not really knowing what he was saying. He would have denied him nothing at that moment.  
  
Until he stood at the pyre, watching the shell of the man he had called master reduced to ash, with the very much alive, very uncertain one he had promised to care for at his side.  
  
His side.  
  
The irony hadn't escaped Obi-Wan.  
  
He had followed that dark brown cape countless places, homing in on it when all hell and shit was breaking loose...and usually focused on the Jedi.  
  
It had meant safety.  
  
Security.  
  
So much.  
  
Had it been so for Anakin?  
  
Obi-Wan snorted, lips curling in mockery.  
  
Apparently not.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Through the fire of the journey  
  
Through the good and through the bad  
  
You are not alone  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Oh, Obi-Wan.  
  
Padawan.  
  
If only I had the time and breath to have told you how proud I was of you that day.  
  
Your wit. Your skill.  
  
Yes, even your compassion, though you buried that deep. Imitating me, no doubt. I certainly never showed you the affection I had for you.  
  
I failed you, Padawan.  
  
And I never had the chance to tell you.  
  
Or beg your forgiveness.  
  
I would see it my way, and no other. Anakin would be what I wanted him to be.  
  
I am only sorry you had to bear my folly.  
  
It is small comfort to think this is what the prophecy meant. Cold comfort indeed to think I was merely a pawn in a larger plan.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
And through each and every turn of life  
  
Through the seasons of your path  
  
I want you to know where ever you go  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Tatooine.  
  
Full circle indeed, Obi-Wan.  
  
Both of us with fallen Padawan.  
  
I never meant to teach you that.  
  
Yet you are a wiser man than I. Where I charged ahead, you retreated. You bent to the wind instead of breaking.  
  
You keep watch over the boy with such care. How is it you kept your heart from growing cold, Obi-Wan? I know it hurt you. You had come to care for the bright spirit called Anakin.  
  
Perhaps you aren't as proud as your old master. Then again, you don't have the entire Order to face.  
  
A different kind of guilt, Padawan. A terrible one. The Temples smashed and burned. The once-bright light gone.  
  
I will not let you bear this alone.  
  
It is not yours alone to bear.  
  
We all failed, Obi-Wan. We were too insulated from the people we sought to serve. Too quick to listen to the politicians.  
  
All of us too proud.  
  
You sit, drawing a pattern in the sand. Patient.  
  
Yes, you learned patience, my Padawan. At such a cost though.  
  
The boy is bright. Loving. You did well to get him away from Jedi influence...as well as Sith.  
  
Perhaps...  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Love finds you, love brings you to me  
  
And once again we walk together  
  
Love finds you, love brings you to me  
  
And binds the hands of time forever  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Yes, the time is close, Padawan.  
  
You sense it. Much as I did that day.  
  
Today marks the dying of an era. The end of a proud line.  
  
Yes, Yoda is still alive, but he was not mine.  
  
Mine to train, to watch over, to encourage...  
  
You were.  
  
Life has been hard for you, Obi-Wan.  
  
Come. Walk with me a while, as we did then. Let us debate and argue, banter and laugh.  
  
I have missed you. Missed your bright light.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
We may be worlds apart but you are never too far  
  
From where I need you to be  
  
Love finds you, love brings you to me  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Close your eyes, Obi-Wan...and enter a world larger than you could have ever imagined.  
  
~*~  
  
END 


End file.
